How to deal with the insecurity of being excluded! Is it possible to overcome it?

Girl crying over being left out

*WARNING – These are my thoughts, opinions, and how I deal with this.*

Let’s say you are in a crowd and you want to greet others. You feel good about yourself and in a mood to meet people.

But when you attempt to greet them, they ignore you and they look at you like you have a problem. However, you see them greet others (new and old) and they have a more positive reaction towards them.

Well, you try again, but it’s the same result. You get left out! You question yourself if there is anything wrong with yourself and why people treat you differently than others.

It hurts and it’s a blow to your self-esteem.

Being excluded is not fun!

However, being left out might reveal some things about ourselves then we realize.

So, how do you deal with being left out?

Here is a short story!

once upon a time

Everyone felt left out in one way or another.

Whether at a party, club events, church, etc. Everyone has tasted exclusion.

For me, it happened all the time haha! I’ll give one example. Some years back, I was part of this event. I was like, “Okay cool! Like minded people who can get along with different types of people! Awesome!!”

EHHH WRONG!

When I did anything in the event, I was left out and ignored, as if I didn’t exist.

When I tried to speak, it felt uncomfortable. If there are conversations, it slowly dies down in a short while.

Sometimes in parties and events, I tried to greet people, but become excluded again. They would ignore and never look back. So, I would feel hurt.

So basically, I would always be alone and just to think to myself. As I dived deep into my thoughts, I realized something.

I realized in my childhood, people left me out. I was often alone. Perhaps, being left out every time left a wound in me.

So, every time people didn’t acknowledge me, I would be deeply affected. So, it became a subconscious conditioning.

Why do others exclude you?

Sometimes, they might be insecure as well. They might not know how to speak with you or too afraid to face new people. Or they might feel overwhelmed by your presence. Who knows?

What’s more important are your feelings.

However, secured people know they can get along with others, regardless of who or what they are.

Advantages of being excluded

percents written on a balloon

First of all, there is nothing fun about being excluded! Not a big fan! But in my opinion, there might be a good reason for being left out.

  • Alone time. Humans are social creatures, so being left out and feeling shunned is painful. However, we recognize the people around us, but we forget to recognize ourselves. We try to match our principles with others and it leaves us hurting in the long run. So, it’s okay if others leave you out of their group! So what?! Because you have something that they don’t, which is time for yourself. When you have time for yourself, you become more aware of yourself.
    • These days, when I get left out, it doesn’t hurt me because that is a benefit for me. I can focus on my alone time and enjoy whatever event that I am in. I’m there for the experience! If people want to be with me, then that’s cool!. But if not, then it’s okay too! Focus on your enjoyment!
  • Recognize the truth. Actually, the people who leave you out of the group makes your life easier. At least they show their true selves and now you don’t have to wonder if certain people are right for you. Take that as a gift from them. Now, you can move on and search for real friends. That’s their loss! We try hard to stay at a group that’s toxic and it ruins us badly.
    • In the past, I forced myself into a group that saw me as an uncomfortable person. I tried to please them regardless of how they viewed me. Nowadays, I focus on people who care and value. Because in the end, the ones that care for you will be there thick and thin.
  • Self-improvement. When people leave us out, it leaves us thinking what we did wrong. Therefore, we find ways to improve our approach! Sometimes, we come off as strong or weak, so we improve our approach next time a similar situation occurs.
    • These days, I look at being left out as a way for me to help me and improve myself. No one is perfect! I take that opportunity to refine my approaches.

How to cope with being excluded?

road signs that says "give up" or "don't give up"

Talk to someone about it, but….. Being excluded is a negative experience and your self-worth took a blow. It’s better to speak with someone, perhaps our family or friends. Speaking to them about the situation can ease the sadness. They are your rock! Sometimes, we get affected by people we just met, but we forget the people who are there for us.

  • When I would feel left out, I feel sad and a little dissipated. I did hurt a lot! It feels like you’re not worthy. Moreover, if they speak with others, they feel happier with them. It leaves me thinking if there is anything wrong with me.
  • For me, to ease the pain, I speak to the people I trust. For example, I talk to my family about what happened. It feels really good to release all the negative emotions that were left from the exclusion. After our conversation, I would feel better.
  • However, there will be moments when you don’t have anyone to talk with and that’s sometimes annoying. But, If I don’t have anyone to speak with, then I would talk to myself. It seems strange, but talking to myself helps release negative vibes.
    • There are benefits of talking to yourself. It releases those negative emotions and builds self-confidence. Affirmations are wondrous. People think talking to yourself is a sign of being crazy, but that’s further from the truth. We focus on others too much but neglect ourselves.

Accept and understanding. Expressing your feelings will help you accept what happened. When you release the negativity, you start to understand the situation and emotions. You understand that it happens to everyone and it happens all the time, then you can understand your feelings and preferences. People can give you a new perspective, good or bad.

  • After speaking to my family, I get new perspectives. Slowly, I understood that it happens to everyone and I accepted it. I accepted; that it affected me greatly and I wanted to do something about it. Sometimes, the things that give us problems is the key to unlocking the main root.
  • What I always do, I meditate and do deep breathing exercises. Because it helps open my mind and I discover cobwebs that I have never seen before. For example, when I meditate, I discover the reasons for my reaction when being excluded. Getting hurt due to being left out is the cause of all bullying that happened to me when I was a child. When I wanted to play with other children, I was often shunned. That was a routine! So my reaction, I would feel sad and I always distant myself. That conditioned my brain subconsciously and I never faced my issues.
  • When I meditate about the issue, it will hurt at first because of the emotions. You can’t avoid your problems because it always comes back. In my opinion, I discovered that it’s better to sit with the feeling and not being a coward and avoid your responsibility for yourself. When you sit and embrace, then you discover the solution for yourself. As time goes by, you start feeling better and you learn.

Learn and move on. You will realize, it happens to everyone. It’s part of life! By understanding your feelings, it eases you and makes you feel better about yourself. You begin to learn that every pain has its lessons and that every rejection, there are things to learn about yourself. When you start learning, it helps you move on and try again. But, when you try again, it doesn’t hurt as much because now you know that being excluded is a stepping stone towards real friends. You realize ego is a part of why we feel bad after being left out.

  • I’ve learned from great mentors that who we truly are as beings are love, happiness, compassion, etc. If that’s the case, then all the negative feelings with being left out serve as a stepping stone. For me, what I have learned is that the feeling of being left out has to do with my ego.
  • These days, I look at people who exclude me as the stepping stone. Sometimes, we try to force ourselves with people who don’t acknowledge us. Yet, we forget that there are millions of people in the world. Why please them when you have what you need.

Positive outlook

a person looking at the sea while holding an umbrella

Being excluded isn’t a great feeling. It makes you feel worthless. Sometimes, it leaves you crying and defeated. It’s not right to exclude anyone. Bottom line!!

However, I’m a big believer of “things happen for a reason.” Understand that the pain of exclusion is a stepping stone.

When you get rejected or excluded, it helps show us the way. We become self-aware of the people we strive to become and be with.

In fact, the only thing true to us is love. That’s why it hurts being excluded. We get affected because there might be something missing in us. Our ego kicks in and tells us that we got hurt, so reaction.

However, I feel exclusion is necessary because sometimes we are forgetting ourselves the ones we care. We focus too much on others and try to please them.

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