The journey of a heartbreak, how to get over it, and why it’s good for you!

Girl feeling lonely while on the stairs
Image by Pixabay/quinntheislander

A heartbreak is not pleasant and a painful experience anyone can handle. A person can make wrong decisions in his or her lives and it’s unbearable to even think about.
It feels like the weight of the world is weighing down on you. You try to remove it, but you can’t! The suffering seems endless and you think the only way to ease the pain is to get back the thing that caused the heartbreak or get back at them. Sometimes, ending your life is another option.
Maybe some of you are going through a heartbreak as you read this. It feels like the world is against you and there are no miracles.
But, what if I told you that a heartbreak is the best gift? Why something so painful, become the best gift? Does that give you hope? I will show you what I mean! Here is my story! The journey of a heartbreak and how you can overcome it.

The First and a good one^^

Let’s go way back in early 2015. I met this girl at the International Friendship Club (IFC), which is a school organization that I used to take part.

NOTE: International Friendship Club aka IFC. A school organization that helps international students that come to Guam to study English. IFC helps out with campus tours, tutoring sessions, and build connections that bridge the gap between local and international students.

Let’s call her by the name RA. She was an exchange student from South Korea. She stayed in Guam for a semester. However, our first meeting was introductions and it was brief. I met her again the following week and she taught me some Korean. From there, we became good friends. We spent time in the club room for hours and playing games with our friends.
As time went by, I started to have feelings for RA, which I didn’t expect. When I started to like her, she already liked someone else. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to cope with my emotions. I felt depressed and I held my negative feelings inside.

NOTE: Don’t hold your feelings in because it can get worse if a similar issue arises. As for my case, it did get worse. It’s only going to tear you apart if you don’t find a way to transmute those feelings positively.

RA is a good person at heart, so the heartache eased a little.
Even when she left, the pain remains, and I just buried it without facing it. However, I thought the pain went away, but it was still there until it finds a way out.
NOTE: When you get a heartbreak, it’s better to feel your emotions and give yourself time to think and heal. Because If you don’t and you just jump to another person, the pain remains and it can have a negative effect. The hole in your heart will grow.

The Second Part 1: Is it the right time?

It was almost the end of 2015 and the pain from the RA situation was still there, but not as much as before. So, I wasn’t completely healed yet. At least, that was what I wanted to believe.
I started liking another girl. Let’s call her SA. SA was also a member of IFC and I would see her almost daily ever since RA left. But, I barely spoke to her. Maybe a little. As time goes by, I started to like SA for a few reasons.
I started obsessing with this girl that it made me look clingy. Ew right? A couple of people even asked me why I liked her and my reasons were unsure. I just brushed off their questions and thought it was nothing to worry about.
I had a hard time talking with this girl because I didn’t want to come off as creepy. It felt like labor because I wanted her validated me. Eventually, I confessed my feelings, but it felt a bit forced. I constantly kept chasing her. During those times, I didn’t know how she felt for me, but I knew I liked her. I always believed, I had to pursue her, so she would like me. However, that was a bad move. Anyways, we became a bit closer as the months went by and it was great!

The Second Part 2: The Attempt

One day, I wanted to help her out with her problems, but it didn’t turn out well. I probably forced it out of her, which was a wrong move, despite having good intentions. I wanted her to release those trapped emotions (whatever it was!), but my approach was not good.
NOTE: If you guys have a girl you like or a girlfriend, don’t be her therapist! Don’t fix her problems for her! Allow her to feel those emotions because women are emotional beings. All men have to do is LISTEN! Plus, don’t force it out of her. Let her be the one to come.

It went sour for SA and I. Did I regret it? Yes, I did at that time. I kept forcing myself to see her and this went on for weeks. I became lesser than a human being. She said she wanted space, but I didn’t want space, which made things worse. Because I didn’t understand the concept of time and space, it was always all or nothing. Always putting my eggs in one basket and just give it you’re all. It’s a good mindset, but not every time.
NOTE: When a person says they need time and space, you must give them that. You have to walk away and never look back. It’s their choice to reach out and if they don’t, then move on.

The Second Part 3: Begging and Pleading

Eventually, I gave her space and in two months she reached out to me. Then, we kicked off where we left for one month. It was a good month until the same issue resurfaced again. So, SA and I’s relationship become sour again. She never gave me the time of day to explain. I became confused and I blamed myself.
I kept coming back to see her and I hoped she would give me the chance to explain myself. My best friend was telling me to stop and he would always tell me, “Dude! You deserve better than this! Look what’s happening to you!” He knows a lot about social dynamics, but it took time for him to get me to snap out of it. I was always in denial, so I kept hoping.
NOTE: Self-respect is an important value. If a person isn’t treating you right, send them love and have the courage to walk away completely from them. At least you still have your dignity.

The Second Part 4: Having enough

This went on for 6 months of hoping and pleading. Hoping that one day we can reconcile and pleading that things will be the same again.

NOTE: Hoping is NOT a bad thing. In fact, it’s always good to have hope. But, if you are desperate for hope, then you will only disappoint yourself. You become attached and let it go at the same time.
Then, I saw SA and another friend of hers. Something triggered inside me. A bunch of flashbacks hit me all of a sudden about a loved one, so that’s when I blew up. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I shouted so loud that other people heard me :P. All that anger was building up and I just blew up.
It came to a boiling point. A good friend of mine was there for me and I appreciate it. Later that day, I stared at myself in the mirror and it was a long silent stare. I can’t remember how long I stood looking at myself.
I asked God and the universe, “God, why is this happening to me? Please, I want an answer.” There was nothing, but a long silence. Then, it hit me, a realization! “Perhaps, this is it!,” I said to myself. “Ralph, you might not ever reconcile with SA. Are you okay with that?” In a heartbeat, I said quietly, “Yes….” My heart settled and it was the last straw. Enough is enough. The beginning of letting go. From there on, I never looked back.

Why did it hurt more on the 2nd than the 1st?

Before I get to the healing process, I would like to tell you why it was more painful with SA than it did with RA. Why did I end up telling a story, instead of getting to the point? Well, there is a connection between RA’s and SA’s stories.
In the RA story, I buried the pain without giving myself time for my thoughts and emotions. The result made me take unnecessary actions later on. It became a snowball effect with SA.

That’s why it’s important to allow yourself to have time and space after a heartbreak. Many people jump to another person after a heartbreak or a breakup and that’s not a good idea. It made me obsessed with SA because of the fear of lack, the fear of not having validation for myself and losing her. I didn’t want to feel what happened to RA situation again, so I was chasing after SA. It felt like I needed SA to fill up what was empty in me. Unless you deal with it now, the root problem will always be there.

The Healing & Your Journey

I shared some process of a heartbreak in SA’s story. Let’s recap!
Having Desperation for any answers and self-blame. Physically, you always feel tired and it feels it’s hard to breathe at times. Sometimes, you start binge eating and you become unhealthy. Emotionally, it feels like someone grabbed your heart directly and kept pulling your heart out. Plus, they have fishhooks as fingernails. You end up crying a lot! Mentally: you feel lesser than human. You start blaming yourself for the situation, always saying toxic things to yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” even though there is nothing wrong with you.
Desperately holding on and Begging for the chance to happen. Holding on to that person will give you that hope. If they end up giving you a chance, then things would change. Hopefully, things would get better.

Hoping and denying to yourself. The constant denial of the situation and not accept it for what it is. Hoping that things will get better.
Now let’s begin…

Anger and frustration build up. You start blaming them for treating you badly. You become clouded by negative emotions, which does not help your case. Something can trigger you at any moment. And when the moment happens, your logic is out the window. You still have sanity, but you are on a brink of falling. It’s a calm before a storm for you.

Then, something triggers you. You looked like a fool and you realize that enough is enough. You just want to get out. Sometimes, it’s frustrating because you want this pain to go away, but it’s tearing you apart.

  • In my case, the moment I blew up and shouted was the time that I had enough. It was time for me to let go of SA. It was frustrating because I wished the pain healed already. But I knew that this needs time. I was still a bit agitated.
  • Holding on won’t help you. You have to let go of everything little by little. I just accepted it for what it is. There was no reason hoping or a future with SA. I walked away and that’s better than holding on to fire. However, It’s easier said than doing it.

Acceptance. You are getting past the anger and focus more on accepting the issue. You realize that things are not the same again. It takes you a while to transition from anger to acceptance, but that’s okay. You are managing to do it. You need to accept anger in this process, so you can release all the tension. If you keep the anger inside you, then you are only destroying yourself. In time, you begin to accept it.

  • I always felt sad and I was expecting something would change. I tried everything to please this person but only made myself look foolish. I was in denial. The more I denied my circumstance, the more it drove me insane.
  • Anyways, I accepted my situation when I blew up in front of SA and the others. I accepted that it’s okay if I’m not able to speak or reconcile with SA again. It was a realization that came to me. A realization will come naturally to you. So, don’t force yourself, just allow it to flow to you. Sometimes people will tell you to accept the situation, but you feel you aren’t ready. You don’t want any stones left unturned. This is the part when you take your time to accept.
  • Once I accepted reality, I was able to forgive myself. It gave me clarity on the situation and how I was feeling. It was easier to let go. If I didn’t accept it, then I would keep going down the rabbit hole. Not accepting the situation becomes bitterness and that’s the last thing you want.

Grieving. After accepting the loss, you can fully feel your emotions independently. At least, that’s how I did it. They say you need to feel it to heal it. By grieving, it helps process all the memories and the emotions that came with it. You don’t want to escape them, but rather embrace the past for the present to flourish.

  • The first thing I did to fully grasp the grieving process is to walk away from SA and anything associated with her. Although, there was a period in time I didn’t want to see her at all! I would completely push her off my mind and try to forget SA, but that was not a good idea. Because it sets me up for a huge rebound. A huge failure. I began to feel a slight anger and bitterness with her again.
  • Good thing, I had people who cared for me. They were constantly there when I was feeling depressed. There are moments you need people to talk with to help ease the pain. Think of it as training wheels, until you can handle things on your own, then you can deal with the process alone.
  • If I didn’t have my friends and family, I spoke with my dog or with myself. Speaking to yourself is good. It helps build self-love. Many people think it’s crazy to talk to oneself, but that’s not true. For me, it helped me validate and bring value to myself. I allowed myself time to think. Sometimes, we spend time with people and we forget who we are because we rely on or get influenced by others. Allow yourself some alone time.
  • I also realized who my real friends were during the hard times. Many people are only there for you during the happy times and not during sad times.
  • I began to calm myself through meditation. I recognized that if I shove SA away from my mind, then I am not fully accepting the situation again. So, I embraced the memories and the emotions with it. Never run away from it! If you run from your problems, then it will always come back worse or delay the process. Remember, what you face disappears.
  • Some friends told me to go do some jogging because it helps with the grieving process. Exercising helps ease your heartache. It releases endorphins, which promotes positive feelings. However, I chose to just sit with my emotions and tried to understand why I was feeling this way. You have to feel it for it to heal.

Changing and discovering new habits. The grieving process took a while! You allowed yourself to feel the pain and sadness. You have found different ways to help yourself. As you searched for answers you discovered talents or interests that you never thought you possessed. Initially, you only do the new habits to help release the pain. With these discoveries, you try these new interests and see what else you can do with it. As time goes by doing your new habits, you realize it not only helps release the sadness from your heartbreak, but you discover more about yourself.

  • The grieving did take time for me and was annoying at times. Sometimes, sitting with the emotions is not enough and I didn’t want to run from it. But, I wanted to explore things. My best friend told me to find an outlet to help me release from time to time.
  • I started reading about life coaching in general and I was researching about motivational mentors and quotes about hard times, lessons in the pain, etc. I wanted to ease my situation, so studying motivational speaking helped me. Plus, I got back to studying the Bible as well. The book of Proverbs has many life lessons.
  • I enjoyed studying about these great mentors and their works. Life coaching interested me, so I wanted to focus on researching and absorbing it. As I was doing this, I did have SA in mind from time to time, but it was slowly easing. I didn’t feel as bitter. In fact, I started to feel happy.
  • So, find your own outlet (as my friend would call it). It could be spending time with friends, making something, etc.

A shift in your thoughts and approaches. Believe me, the way you think and approach will change. During your last phases of the grieving process, your belief system starts shifting. You become more open-minded and having a positive outlook on life. This is the time when you should apply the new skills or hobbies that you gained to help others. You gain more sympathy and empathy with others. You begin to know yourself! And when you know yourself, it helps you to understand others. You become a different person. Then, you realize something far greater…

  • I was still healing and my heart was still stinging, but I started to see the situation positively. I gave myself time to think and immerse through meditations and new habits. My new habits about researching for motivational speakers and building myself through their wisdom helped me heal. I was starting to feel genuinely happy again. It’s been a while since I felt this feeling.
  • You’ll start to feel empowered! More fire will burn in your heart. Everywhere I walked, I was filled with this light. Sometimes it’s hard to explain, but I tell you it feels really good when you persevere. My thoughts were positive and my approach was in a place of conviction. You start to love to improve yourself and you become secure with yourself. So keep going!
  • When you begin to love improving yourself, then that’s self-love. You start to feel worthy of yourself and you become mentally tough too. I started helping people who are going through issues in their life and I became surprised with myself. I didn’t expect to make them feel better by guiding them. I focused on dealing with myself that it was time for me to help others. It works like magic! I guess, the quote “Know thy self” hits a home run.
  • You will take inspired action when you know what you want.

Peace. This is the pinnacle! If you have reached this far, then I commend you. When you reach this point, you become Zen-like. You see life differently before your heartbreak. Now, you realize that the battle is not eternal, but internally. That every situation put in front of you regardless if it’s positive or negative, has learning lessons. There are opportunities to prove yourself. You realize that the cause of your heartbreak was probably the greatest gift that God, the universe has given you. In the beginning, you cried with despair. But now, it’s tears of joy. You’ve crossed the mountain.

  • As I kept helping people, I didn’t realize how I felt at peace. When I thought about my heartbreak with RA and SA, I smile every time. Honestly, if those moments, especially with SA didn’t happen, then I wouldn’t be able to gain this much wisdom. I would still be the same old Ralph that didn’t understand himself. Moreover, I wouldn’t be able to help others. I cried knowing that I crossed the mountain without many setbacks. It’s an amazing feeling.
  • When you are at peace with yourself and the issues that flood your mind disappear, you just want to help others that are going through the same thing as you did. I have helped many people who are going through stress in their lives. Even the international students that came to Guam, I feel privileged to help them. When you help others, it makes you a better person because you understand others needs.

It’s a gift!!

I have to admit, before going through the heartbreak, I hated myself. I always searched for things that fill my heart. No matter how many things I gained, I wasn’t satisfied with what I had. I thought you need to get the things that would make you happy. I searched happiness externally and when I would get it, it always made me feel sad. It wasn’t enough.

But, after going through the heartbreak, I’ve learned that outside things can only make you happy at a certain level. There is a certain limit to it. And when we reach that limit, we look for things bigger than that. But, if we can’t find it, it’s replaced with sadness and disappointment.

That’s why heartbreaks are gifts because of the journey you can discover for yourself. You become stripped of what you thought was important to you, which leaves you with nothing. When you are left with nothing, the only thing is to blame yourself. Then, you turn to other things and look for them, but nothing. You’re left with loneliness and your thoughts. Until one day, you have no choice but your own thoughts. Then, you realize that there are great things about you. Now, you’ve gained something great — self-love.

Thank you, everyone! Please leave a comment and we would love to help you out.

Emotional Pillar: My story of being shy! How I embraced it and overcame it!!

girl overcoming shyness through singing

Photo by Pixabay/Nickbar

Being shy isn’t bad.  So, how do you overcome shyness?! Well, let me walk you through my story of overcoming it. 

I grew up shy for the biggest part of my life. When I was young, my mother didn’t want me to do many things. She was overprotective, so I didn’t have much going for me.

I understand my mother because she was doing her job. I thought that was normal! That many kids will experience when they are young. So, it was already conditioning in my mind. However, it did become so frustrating, that I decided I wanted to change my habit.

So, here I will explain my journey when I have been a shy person and how it might help some of you of overcoming it.
However, I want to explain the advantages and disadvantages of being shy before I explain my journey to success.

The advantages of being shy!

I want to discuss that there are advantages to being shy. Many people view shyness as something negative, but it’s a matter of perspective.

First, being shy helps avoid taking risks. For many people taking risks is a bit dangerous. As an example, you see an opportunity but, you realize that there is a risk for pursuing that opportunity.

  • For example, some years ago, a recruiter from the Navy asked me if I wanted to take part in the military. It was a good offer because I can travel and build a life outside of Guam, However, due to my asthma, I was probably already disqualified and I didn’t want to take that risk of being away from my family. Plus, I don’t like the military. That’s why I’m a big fan of One Piece.

Second, being the follower is more comfortable, then leading the way. Some shy people avoid the leadership role because they are afraid that they might botch or feel ashamed when things don’t go the right way. Therefore, their comfort zone is trying to follow orders from others.

  • A long time ago, I didn’t like being in the spotlight, so I chose to take orders from people. Sometimes, that is less hassle too. Especially, when I was not feeling well or emotional during that time. There was a time when I was a leader for a group of exchange students. But, I was going through an emotional stress at that time. So, I couldn’t focus, and the program didn’t turn well as I hoped.

The third is avoiding conflict. One of the most obvious of the advantages. Being alert helps people! Who wants to deal with conflict altogether. As human beings, we thrive for a happy life, so why look for conflict.

  • Before my transitional my phase from being shy to confident, I avoided many conflicts that dealt with drama, fights, etc. I also avoided helping people, because I was afraid to do anything about their situation. However, there were times where I tried to help others but didn’t go my way, which I will explain in my future post. So, being shy helps with avoiding any unnecessary drama.

Fourth, being able to not react to unnecessary gossips, popularity, etc. Some shy people don’t care about being popular, because it’s a waste of time. Since many people who are shy have many things to do in their lives, why waste time gossiping and doing meaningless chit-chat.

  • Being shy was great during these times! I remember people would gossip and I would just listen to them for the amusement. And this would happen often in the club that I joined. But, for the most part, I just brush it off and not think of it too much. It was just a waste of time, so I would just do my thing.

Fifth, you focus on your hobbies more. When I wasn’t invited to parties in middle school and high school, I took my time to practice martial arts. So, while the kids enjoyed themselves in their own free time, I trained instead! Plus, I was able to bond with my family.

  • At that time between 2014 and 2015, I was just a loner. So, I focused on doing my homework. I became more productive in the long run. Plus, I was able to meditate more.

Sixth, shy people are more approachable. Being shy gives you this non-threatening aura around you. Many people approach me for directions or ask questions. I think it’s that innocence that surrounds a shy person, due to the vulnerability.

  • It goes both ways for me, either intimidating or easily approachable. I didn’t pose any threat to anyone and I didn’t have any intentions to hurt others. And I see that with many shy people! They are very approachable if people just allowed some of us to connect.

Seventh, you become a good listener, which allows people to trust you more.  Being shy allows a person to listen more and appreciate the other person‘s viewpoints. “People love talking about themselves” – some stranger.

  • This is a very powerful tool! I was able to build meaningful relationships by just listening. Because people love to express themselves because we are social animals. Interestingly, if you know how to listen, then people will open up and share their stories to you. Even personal ones!

Eighth, you become self-aware. Although I met some shy people lacking in self-awareness, however, there are others who have it.

  • I was lonely, and I didn’t know whom to talk with. The first time that I joined the club at college, I didn’t have many friends. Despite many people being there, not many did try to speak with me besides a few people. I was in my own little world, which helped me internalize more. I became more in tune with myself it helped me become aware of the person I am.
  • Ninthenjoying your alone time. HonestlyI love being alone! I can have time to process. Its about treating and showing care for yourself. I know it sounds strange, but it feels amazing just allowing yourself to be your own person.

Ninth, enjoying your alone time. Honestly, I love being alone! I can have time to process. It’s about treating and showing care for yourself.  Just be yourself, it feels amazing!

  • I enjoy spending time with people, but to me, nothing beats a good relationship with yourself. Being shy made me appreciate life. I love being alone and it helps me visualize about my dreams. I love to dream! Being away from people made me happy too. Therefore, being shy helped me become independent in my right. Plus, it helps with meditation because distractions are not always pleasant.

Finally, you appreciate your relationships! Shy people struggle to find friends that could accept us truly. So, when we meet people, we always cherish what we have and not toss each other like garbage. Because in today’s era, where social media is prominent, friendships end up being like toys. What happens if you get tired of your old toy? You just throw it away. Shy people don’t ride like that. Relationships are important to us!

    • I cherish what I have with people, especially today. I became more appreciative with my family, friends, etc. I even appreciate my pets. It’s okay for me to go to parties from time to time, but it’s always better if I spend my energy with the people who care for me. Sometimes, you might get invited to a party, but you might feel out-of-place or see people who might drain the life out of you. That is self-respect!


Disadvantages of being shy!

This is where people agree that being shy is a disadvantage. That’s how the world sees it. But what can we do? Well, focus on you! So here are the disadvantages.

First, opportunities pass us by. For many shy people, this is what happens. Sometimes, we miss out on opportunities or chances because we didn’t take enough risks.

  • I missed out on some opportunities because of my shyness. In high school, I wanted to ask a girl out to prom, but I didn’t have the courage to even ask her. I was just in my head thinking scenarios without any real action.
  • How I did I get over this? I just speak whatever thought comes into mind. If you want to say “Wow the room stinks….” then say it! Anything that pops into mind. However, initiating is the challenge, due to fear.
  • Of course, there is always a line to not cross, so be careful too. But other than that it’s okay. It might take practice at first, but you will get used to it. You are expressing your feelings and the only risk involve are people’s opinions, which shouldn’t bother you.

Second, not as many friends (I guess). This is common for some people. You end up meeting fewer people, therefore miss out on potential friends that could change your life.

  • This is obvious for me because I was always the loner of every group that I was part of. Therefore, I didn’t make many friends during my years. Was it sad? Just a bit! I didn’t have much courage to speak too, so that was not good.
  • How I overcame was very simple! Wherever I see a person passing by, I would look at them in the eye and smile back at them. If they smile or say Hi great, then you can decide to talk to them. If not, then it’s okay you move on. By me doing this, it helps ease any tension, which helps close the gap between whomever I greet. Moreover, I made friends by just doing this haha. You can take it a step forward by saying hi to them as they pass by. I have made my own trademarks, that work for me.

Third, SOMETIMES shy people are not able to stand their ground and expression. Although there comes a time when we have to stand up for what we believe in. However, being shy hinders that ability to do so.

  • This is true when trying to express how you feel. I felt frustrated when I am trying to express my opinion, but can’t do at times because I was too shy.
  • How did I overcome this? I believe it was 2014, I started debating about frictional stuff like Goku vs. Superman. Sometimes, I would debate about Mayweather vs Pacquiao haha. So I created an account in one of the forum sites because I was a little pissed off with some of the people. At first, I was nervous, but as I kept debating with some opposing fans, it became easier as I kept going back and forth with them. So, I feel it’s a good first step and If you are feeling comfortable enough, then you can start expressing yourself with other people face to face. You can start small and build yourself up.

Fourth, being a lap dog. There were times I was in this place when I was very young. People can take advantage of your shyness. People believe that shy people will not retaliate, therefore, they will make use of them. It happens for some, especially those that might not have developed a strong-minded attitude.

  • How I overcame this? Just say, “No.” That’s it! By saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do. Before I kept saying to everything, even though I didn’t want to do some of the things they were telling me. So, I just expressed myself.
  • So if someone tells you to do something and you don’t want to do it, just say NO. Simple! You actually gain more self-respect for yourself and in turn, gain respect from others. You are expressing your truth.

Fifth, not being as popular. Shy people might not get as popular because many are always under the radar. Many favored being in the spotlight.

  • Seventh grade was the first time that I heard about the concept of popularity because people were watching some weird stuff like MTV, reality shows, etc. Kids wanted to imitate stuff they see on TV. I was never popular because I couldn’t relate to them. Some people thought I was weird because I watched anime, dramas, played Yugioh and watched/did martial arts.
  • So how did I overcome this? Well, I got the taste of being popular, during my time in the club. When I did get popular, I wanted more of it. However, it was a short-lived pleasure because I didn’t feel enough within myself. Many people just kept coming and going! So, every time the session ended, I would feel a bit sad and impatient. However, in early 2017, I got over it. It was when I started gaining self-love for myself.

Sixth is lacking in confidence. This one is obvious! You can’t have one or the other. This is the one thing that shy people wish to fully do. Going from shy to feeling confident with myself, it was hard work. It wasn’t just hand down on a silver platter.

  • This is obvious for me. Or else I wouldn’t say that I was shy in the first.
  • How I did I overcome this? Rejections and taking risks was a reason. Sometimes, we have to allow our hearts to hurt to realize what we deserve. I started not caring what people think about me. It was a long journey, and it was not a handed down. Most importantly, love yourself and speak your truth! I recommend doing some deep breathing before any events and if you are feeling nervous, then go to the bathroom and do deep breathing exercises.

Seventh, overthinking what people will do or say. This is true on some degrees. Because shy people are in their own world, which they tend to play events in their heads whether it being from the past, present, or future. There are always what ifs, should have, could have, etc.

  • Being the shy person led me to over think many scenarios in my head that sometimes were not real. Or were they? Joke haha. Anyways, I didn’t talk to many people and I was basically alone every time. So, many times I would fantasize strange thoughts and it led to insecurities.
  • How I did I deal with this? Deep breathing and meditation. When I do deep breathing, I let go of any tension in my body and focus on release any negative thoughts that don’t serve me. I focus on replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I do this for at least 5 minutes and sometimes I went 10 minutes or more. Also, listen to your body. If you have tension on a specific part of your body, then something is bothering you internally.

Eighth, shy people might not take inspired action. It’s not because of laziness, but in trying to find the courage to take action. It’s more about fear and when you have fear, you tend to freeze. And this goes back to overthinking things, which will lead to not taking forward action.

  • Being shy didn’t help my self-esteem at all. So, I felt discouraged at times to do much in my life at that time. I didn’t even know what I wanted in my life, and I was a bit lazy. Motivation was not there for me.
  • How did I overcome this? When I started joining the club and spending time with the exchange students, I began to understand what I want in my life. When I understood what I wanted, I began to look for things to learn about the goal I want to do. For me, I wanted to carry out something in my day, even if it’s small and isn’t being afraid to go for it. And if you don’t have a goal yet, then focus on your hobby. So, that’s what I did.

Problems for being shy for me

As I said, I was a shy person throughout my life. In elementary, I was that big, quiet kid that tried to fit in with the other children. I think my shyness developed when people started calling me names like pig, fat, slow, etc. Plus, I did get bullied many times, but I never told my family, which is not the best idea. It’s better to find people whom you trust when you are going through tough times, especially if you can’t cope with a bad situation by yourself and just talk to them.

I remember I got into fights back when I was 9 years old because they knew I was too timid to do anything about it. However, the good thing about getting beat up (which is still unpleasant), my father finally thought me how to fight.

In middle school, I was less shy here, but I was a little quiet. I think it’s because I knew how to fight and I knew that I could hold my own with anyone in middle school haha. Anyways, it was still a little difficult to hold a conversation, but I had fun with the friends I had. I still didn’t get invited to any parties that some kids were having, but it didn’t mind me. Of course, there was some trouble making kids that wanted to pick a fight with me because I was shy and timid, but glad it diffused right away. Overall, middle school was pretty good.

In high school, I was literally the last person that people thought about. No joke! I asked one of my friends and told me and he said that some people don’t care about you, because I was too reserved. Now that was painful to hear at that time. I remember, there was a party with one of the girls from the rugby team. I thought I would be invited because I spoke with this girl many times, but I wasn’t. The great thing about it, I trained and sparred with my father that night during the birthday party.

In college, I was pretty shy and insecure in my early years as well. For every class in the first few years, I was silent like a slug. I didn’t interact at all. It’s like I didn’t care about life. Although I did make friends in those first years. But, it wasn’t that deep. I never tried to do much of anything besides school, martial arts, going home and doing homework. Plus, I was struggling with deciding on which major I should choose.

That was my life in college in the first few years. But one day in 2014, I decided to go to an event in the field house of my university because one of my friends gave me a flier and told me to visit the field house. It was a gathering of many clubs. Plus, I haven’t joined a club yet, so I wanted to check it out. I was looking for my friend, and I saw her promoting her club, but she was too busy to talk. So, I just turned the other way because I was too shy to interact with her and disturb. The moment I turned, I saw a club that was interesting, but weird too. They were wearing a Hanbok (Korean traditional clothes) and other accessories. I walked up to their stand and signed my name on the sheet they had. And that was the beginning of a major change.

Did I just sign up for a club?!

Well, there you go! I finally did something worthwhile in my college career. There is no turning back now. I signed up for a club called the International Friendship Club (IFC). It’s a club that helped international students study English in Guam. So, the clubs job is to accommodate them and help with their English journey.

Also, my sister signed up in the same club, which is good for us. Anyways, we went to a workshop for the club. I was nervous, and it was hard for me to meet and interact with other people there. The club is about touring international students from other countries. After, the introduction we did some activities, which was not comfortable haha. However, the people were good and we made friends with a few of them. Quite welcoming and a good first impression for me.

The activities were great, but my shyness held me back tremendously. In this club, you need to open up, outgoing and whatnot. So it was a struggle for me! Even among the club members felt uncomfortable, I was having a hard time. Also, here is another thing, being shy as a male is much different from a female who is shy. Sure, the girl might face some problems of being shy, but in my experience, it’s different. For a girl, it’s viewed as cute and innocent, while a guy it’s viewed the wrong way, at least in my experience.



What a journey it is!!

Honestly, I thought about quitting the club countless times in 2014 and going in 2015. Plus, I was only experiencing the short-term school that was coming instead of the long-term schools.

* NOTE: Short-term schools are schools from other countries that study abroad for a short time. Long-term schools are schools from other countries that study abroad for about 2 weeks to 1 month. Long terms usually come during Summer and Winter seasons, while short terms usually come in during Spring and Fall.*

So, I was struggling already with the students and the club members. However, in early January 2015, I met a really wonderful friend that will turn the tides for me, the first catalyst.

Let’s call her by the name of RA. RA was an exchange student that stayed for 6 months to study in Guam (The place where I live. Sorry I forgot to mention). We met at the club orientation for new members and she was with a friend. They were nice people and we got really close as time went by, especially RA. I remember she wanted to go to the flea market but I kept refusing because I was insecure and shy to even hang out.

But, we would still see each other in the club, and it was fun. For the first time in the club, I felt at ease and it didn’t feel uncomfortable. RA and I always interacted, and this happened for months. Then, I started to like her, which was the last thing that could happen. However, I was too late. She already liked someone else. Anyways, I will explain in detail how I felt during these times in my next article about Heartbreak. And I will explain the process of a heartbreak, dealing with it, and the type of person you can become. When she left, I was hurt.

It felt so heavy in my heart, and it was hard for me to accept at that time. But once I did accept it, that’s when I started changing unconsciously. Like there was a switch in my mind and it clicked. Of course, I was still very insecure and shy, but it was a big change.

Anyways, after she left in June 2015, there were schools from Korea that will come. I was indifferent. I wasn’t focused on them at that time.

So, when they arrived, the number of students overwhelmed and the interactions with them. But when am I hanging out with the students, I wasn’t as shy and I didn’t realize it. I was having fun, but my timidness was still there. And this happened in every school that came in for the next 3 years. Of course, with every school came with every struggle.

Also, one thing that helped me overcome shyness is to embrace that I am shy. For example, I was talking to a group of people during one of the opening ceremonies for the club. I told them, “Hey, I’m a shy person and I am nervous now.” and when I said that they began to laugh and giggle. They started to get comfortable with me because I wasn’t trying to act what I am not. I wasn’t trying to be the “Man” or be the “Party guy.” I was being myself and I was really nervous. Plus, it helped boost my self-esteem.

As I continued to meet new people and interact with them, I become more and more confident. With every international school that came, I learned more about them as people, their culture, and myself. I took every situation as a learning experience. So, I was a different person every season with meeting new schools. Not to mention different situations with the club members, which helped mold me. It was great because there was a mixture of emotions, such as excitement, sadness, anger, frustration, etc. It wasn’t boring because it wasn’t predictable.

I want to share a tool that can help anyone that is feeling nervous, feel more relax and a good confidence booster. It’s a technique that I use before social gathering or presentations.

Breathing exercise to release tension and nervousness!!

Of course, there were times that I would reach a heavy plateau in which I never seem to get out of. Sometimes, you will feel nervous in different situations, and you can’t help it. So, I found ways of releasing the tension, which makes me feel more energized and more confident. Here are the steps:

  1. Go to a place where you are comfortable and that no one can disturb you.
  2. Next, you stand up comfortably and make sure you have good posture.
  3. Then, you place your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Just behind your front teeth.
  4. Inhale for 4 seconds through your nose as deeply as you can.
  5. Hold it for another 4 seconds and then exhale through your mouth.
  6. As you exhale through your mouth, you will begin to tighten your stomach by sucking in your belly. At the same time, tighten your buttocks, and you’ll notice your pelvic shifting forward as you exhale.
  7. DO this for at least 5 minutes. Once you finished, you will feel renewed and you can go back to your social gathering.

I do this when I feel low in energy or feeling shy and nervous. Breath is your life force! Of course, there are other techniques out there, but this one stuck with me and had success with it. And I use this technique to manage stress and feel grounded. You will know if you feel grounded if your voice gets slightly deeper. I discovered this technique when I was about to present in front of the class because I was so nervous at that time. So, one of my mentors taught me this technique, and I feel good every time I do it.

SO what did I learn from the JOURNEY?

Looking back, I was like “Wow! That was me, huh? Haha.” Because it was a long journey. Every semester was a different me. Well, maybe a more improved version of myself every semester and I always came with new tools. I would refine myself and replace habits that didn’t serve me. I remember, my mentality was “I need to get out of here,” but now it’s more “I will find a way in this situation.”

Throughout my journey of overcoming shyness, it was a fun-filled roller coaster ride. It wasn’t as easy as you might expect. There were many peaks and lows that confused the heck out of me. And there were times that I had a flat line or plateau as you might say. But that is normal throughout the process because if you don’t feel those moments of being on the bottom, then you won’t learn to take action on finding ways of overcoming plateaus. And when you find ways to overcome them, you learn more things to deal with them on your own terms. Plus, it feels great to work hard on your own terms without anyone holding our hands for us.

You realize as a shy person that through success and failures, you feel good about it. It’s like you cherish every moment as a gift. Of course, at first negative situations will stick to you like glue for a while, but once you emotionally let go, you will feel peace, happiness, and you become more confident.

As a shy person, as long as we do the tasks that we struggled with, it makes us feel accomplished, even though it was an utter failure. There are no complaints at all. We prove ourselves and it showed how much heart that we have. For example, some of us may struggle in public speaking, but there are classes need for you to do it, so you have no choice but to do it. We end up doing it and even though it was not that good, you can feel that sense of fulfillment and that what makes you happy.

You start to learn things about yourself more. For example, you find ways and techniques that help you to overcome shyness, like the breathing technique that I showed you earlier. When you are struggling, but can’t find the solution to your current situation, you tend to seek it out. And by seeking it out, you discover hidden talents that are hidden all along.

You begin to embrace your past, present, and future self. You look at yourself and you just give yourself a big hug for doing great things.

Regardless of if you are shy or not, embrace what you are. Always remember that you are always enough. The more you accept it, the more you will feel better with yourself. Believe me!

Thank you, everyone, for reading/listening and I believe you can all get through this.

Leave a comment if you have any questions regarding your struggles and I will be happy to help.