Image by Pixabay/quinntheislander
A heartbreak is not pleasant and a painful experience anyone can handle. A person can make wrong decisions in his or her lives and it’s unbearable to even think about.
It feels like the weight of the world is weighing down on you. You try to remove it, but you can’t! The suffering seems endless and you think the only way to ease the pain is to get back the thing that caused the heartbreak or get back at them. Sometimes, ending your life is another option.
Maybe some of you are going through a heartbreak as you read this. It feels like the world is against you and there are no miracles.
But, what if I told you that a heartbreak is the best gift? Why something so painful, become the best gift? Does that give you hope? I will show you what I mean! Here is my story! The journey of a heartbreak and how you can overcome it.
The First and a good one^^
Let’s go way back in early 2015. I met this girl at the International Friendship Club (IFC), which is a school organization that I used to take part.
NOTE: International Friendship Club aka IFC. A school organization that helps international students that come to Guam to study English. IFC helps out with campus tours, tutoring sessions, and build connections that bridge the gap between local and international students.
Let’s call her by the name RA. She was an exchange student from South Korea. She stayed in Guam for a semester. However, our first meeting was introductions and it was brief. I met her again the following week and she taught me some Korean. From there, we became good friends. We spent time in the club room for hours and playing games with our friends.
As time went by, I started to have feelings for RA, which I didn’t expect. When I started to like her, she already liked someone else. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to cope with my emotions. I felt depressed and I held my negative feelings inside.
NOTE: Don’t hold your feelings in because it can get worse if a similar issue arises. As for my case, it did get worse. It’s only going to tear you apart if you don’t find a way to transmute those feelings positively.
RA is a good person at heart, so the heartache eased a little.
Even when she left, the pain remains, and I just buried it without facing it. However, I thought the pain went away, but it was still there until it finds a way out.
NOTE: When you get a heartbreak, it’s better to feel your emotions and give yourself time to think and heal. Because If you don’t and you just jump to another person, the pain remains and it can have a negative effect. The hole in your heart will grow.
The Second Part 1: Is it the right time?
It was almost the end of 2015 and the pain from the RA situation was still there, but not as much as before. So, I wasn’t completely healed yet. At least, that was what I wanted to believe.
I started liking another girl. Let’s call her SA. SA was also a member of IFC and I would see her almost daily ever since RA left. But, I barely spoke to her. Maybe a little. As time goes by, I started to like SA for a few reasons.
I started obsessing with this girl that it made me look clingy. Ew right? A couple of people even asked me why I liked her and my reasons were unsure. I just brushed off their questions and thought it was nothing to worry about.
I had a hard time talking with this girl because I didn’t want to come off as creepy. It felt like labor because I wanted her validated me. Eventually, I confessed my feelings, but it felt a bit forced. I constantly kept chasing her. During those times, I didn’t know how she felt for me, but I knew I liked her. I always believed, I had to pursue her, so she would like me. However, that was a bad move. Anyways, we became a bit closer as the months went by and it was great!
The Second Part 2: The Attempt
One day, I wanted to help her out with her problems, but it didn’t turn out well. I probably forced it out of her, which was a wrong move, despite having good intentions. I wanted her to release those trapped emotions (whatever it was!), but my approach was not good.
NOTE: If you guys have a girl you like or a girlfriend, don’t be her therapist! Don’t fix her problems for her! Allow her to feel those emotions because women are emotional beings. All men have to do is LISTEN! Plus, don’t force it out of her. Let her be the one to come.
It went sour for SA and I. Did I regret it? Yes, I did at that time. I kept forcing myself to see her and this went on for weeks. I became lesser than a human being. She said she wanted space, but I didn’t want space, which made things worse. Because I didn’t understand the concept of time and space, it was always all or nothing. Always putting my eggs in one basket and just give it you’re all. It’s a good mindset, but not every time.
NOTE: When a person says they need time and space, you must give them that. You have to walk away and never look back. It’s their choice to reach out and if they don’t, then move on.
The Second Part 3: Begging and Pleading
Eventually, I gave her space and in two months she reached out to me. Then, we kicked off where we left for one month. It was a good month until the same issue resurfaced again. So, SA and I’s relationship become sour again. She never gave me the time of day to explain. I became confused and I blamed myself.
I kept coming back to see her and I hoped she would give me the chance to explain myself. My best friend was telling me to stop and he would always tell me, “Dude! You deserve better than this! Look what’s happening to you!” He knows a lot about social dynamics, but it took time for him to get me to snap out of it. I was always in denial, so I kept hoping.
NOTE: Self-respect is an important value. If a person isn’t treating you right, send them love and have the courage to walk away completely from them. At least you still have your dignity.
The Second Part 4: Having enough
This went on for 6 months of hoping and pleading. Hoping that one day we can reconcile and pleading that things will be the same again.
NOTE: Hoping is NOT a bad thing. In fact, it’s always good to have hope. But, if you are desperate for hope, then you will only disappoint yourself. You become attached and let it go at the same time.
Then, I saw SA and another friend of hers. Something triggered inside me. A bunch of flashbacks hit me all of a sudden about a loved one, so that’s when I blew up. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I shouted so loud that other people heard me :P. All that anger was building up and I just blew up.
It came to a boiling point. A good friend of mine was there for me and I appreciate it. Later that day, I stared at myself in the mirror and it was a long silent stare. I can’t remember how long I stood looking at myself.
I asked God and the universe, “God, why is this happening to me? Please, I want an answer.” There was nothing, but a long silence. Then, it hit me, a realization! “Perhaps, this is it!,” I said to myself. “Ralph, you might not ever reconcile with SA. Are you okay with that?” In a heartbeat, I said quietly, “Yes….” My heart settled and it was the last straw. Enough is enough. The beginning of letting go. From there on, I never looked back.
Why did it hurt more on the 2nd than the 1st?
Before I get to the healing process, I would like to tell you why it was more painful with SA than it did with RA. Why did I end up telling a story, instead of getting to the point? Well, there is a connection between RA’s and SA’s stories.
In the RA story, I buried the pain without giving myself time for my thoughts and emotions. The result made me take unnecessary actions later on. It became a snowball effect with SA.
That’s why it’s important to allow yourself to have time and space after a heartbreak. Many people jump to another person after a heartbreak or a breakup and that’s not a good idea. It made me obsessed with SA because of the fear of lack, the fear of not having validation for myself and losing her. I didn’t want to feel what happened to RA situation again, so I was chasing after SA. It felt like I needed SA to fill up what was empty in me. Unless you deal with it now, the root problem will always be there.
The Healing & Your Journey
I shared some process of a heartbreak in SA’s story. Let’s recap!
Having Desperation for any answers and self-blame. Physically, you always feel tired and it feels it’s hard to breathe at times. Sometimes, you start binge eating and you become unhealthy. Emotionally, it feels like someone grabbed your heart directly and kept pulling your heart out. Plus, they have fishhooks as fingernails. You end up crying a lot! Mentally: you feel lesser than human. You start blaming yourself for the situation, always saying toxic things to yourself, “What’s wrong with me?” even though there is nothing wrong with you.
Desperately holding on and Begging for the chance to happen. Holding on to that person will give you that hope. If they end up giving you a chance, then things would change. Hopefully, things would get better.
Hoping and denying to yourself. The constant denial of the situation and not accept it for what it is. Hoping that things will get better.
Now let’s begin…
Anger and frustration build up. You start blaming them for treating you badly. You become clouded by negative emotions, which does not help your case. Something can trigger you at any moment. And when the moment happens, your logic is out the window. You still have sanity, but you are on a brink of falling. It’s a calm before a storm for you.
Then, something triggers you. You looked like a fool and you realize that enough is enough. You just want to get out. Sometimes, it’s frustrating because you want this pain to go away, but it’s tearing you apart.
- In my case, the moment I blew up and shouted was the time that I had enough. It was time for me to let go of SA. It was frustrating because I wished the pain healed already. But I knew that this needs time. I was still a bit agitated.
- Holding on won’t help you. You have to let go of everything little by little. I just accepted it for what it is. There was no reason hoping or a future with SA. I walked away and that’s better than holding on to fire. However, It’s easier said than doing it.
Acceptance. You are getting past the anger and focus more on accepting the issue. You realize that things are not the same again. It takes you a while to transition from anger to acceptance, but that’s okay. You are managing to do it. You need to accept anger in this process, so you can release all the tension. If you keep the anger inside you, then you are only destroying yourself. In time, you begin to accept it.
- I always felt sad and I was expecting something would change. I tried everything to please this person but only made myself look foolish. I was in denial. The more I denied my circumstance, the more it drove me insane.
- Anyways, I accepted my situation when I blew up in front of SA and the others. I accepted that it’s okay if I’m not able to speak or reconcile with SA again. It was a realization that came to me. A realization will come naturally to you. So, don’t force yourself, just allow it to flow to you. Sometimes people will tell you to accept the situation, but you feel you aren’t ready. You don’t want any stones left unturned. This is the part when you take your time to accept.
- Once I accepted reality, I was able to forgive myself. It gave me clarity on the situation and how I was feeling. It was easier to let go. If I didn’t accept it, then I would keep going down the rabbit hole. Not accepting the situation becomes bitterness and that’s the last thing you want.
Grieving. After accepting the loss, you can fully feel your emotions independently. At least, that’s how I did it. They say you need to feel it to heal it. By grieving, it helps process all the memories and the emotions that came with it. You don’t want to escape them, but rather embrace the past for the present to flourish.
- The first thing I did to fully grasp the grieving process is to walk away from SA and anything associated with her. Although, there was a period in time I didn’t want to see her at all! I would completely push her off my mind and try to forget SA, but that was not a good idea. Because it sets me up for a huge rebound. A huge failure. I began to feel a slight anger and bitterness with her again.
- Good thing, I had people who cared for me. They were constantly there when I was feeling depressed. There are moments you need people to talk with to help ease the pain. Think of it as training wheels, until you can handle things on your own, then you can deal with the process alone.
- If I didn’t have my friends and family, I spoke with my dog or with myself. Speaking to yourself is good. It helps build self-love. Many people think it’s crazy to talk to oneself, but that’s not true. For me, it helped me validate and bring value to myself. I allowed myself time to think. Sometimes, we spend time with people and we forget who we are because we rely on or get influenced by others. Allow yourself some alone time.
- I also realized who my real friends were during the hard times. Many people are only there for you during the happy times and not during sad times.
- I began to calm myself through meditation. I recognized that if I shove SA away from my mind, then I am not fully accepting the situation again. So, I embraced the memories and the emotions with it. Never run away from it! If you run from your problems, then it will always come back worse or delay the process. Remember, what you face disappears.
- Some friends told me to go do some jogging because it helps with the grieving process. Exercising helps ease your heartache. It releases endorphins, which promotes positive feelings. However, I chose to just sit with my emotions and tried to understand why I was feeling this way. You have to feel it for it to heal.
Changing and discovering new habits. The grieving process took a while! You allowed yourself to feel the pain and sadness. You have found different ways to help yourself. As you searched for answers you discovered talents or interests that you never thought you possessed. Initially, you only do the new habits to help release the pain. With these discoveries, you try these new interests and see what else you can do with it. As time goes by doing your new habits, you realize it not only helps release the sadness from your heartbreak, but you discover more about yourself.
- The grieving did take time for me and was annoying at times. Sometimes, sitting with the emotions is not enough and I didn’t want to run from it. But, I wanted to explore things. My best friend told me to find an outlet to help me release from time to time.
- I started reading about life coaching in general and I was researching about motivational mentors and quotes about hard times, lessons in the pain, etc. I wanted to ease my situation, so studying motivational speaking helped me. Plus, I got back to studying the Bible as well. The book of Proverbs has many life lessons.
- I enjoyed studying about these great mentors and their works. Life coaching interested me, so I wanted to focus on researching and absorbing it. As I was doing this, I did have SA in mind from time to time, but it was slowly easing. I didn’t feel as bitter. In fact, I started to feel happy.
- So, find your own outlet (as my friend would call it). It could be spending time with friends, making something, etc.
A shift in your thoughts and approaches. Believe me, the way you think and approach will change. During your last phases of the grieving process, your belief system starts shifting. You become more open-minded and having a positive outlook on life. This is the time when you should apply the new skills or hobbies that you gained to help others. You gain more sympathy and empathy with others. You begin to know yourself! And when you know yourself, it helps you to understand others. You become a different person. Then, you realize something far greater…
- I was still healing and my heart was still stinging, but I started to see the situation positively. I gave myself time to think and immerse through meditations and new habits. My new habits about researching for motivational speakers and building myself through their wisdom helped me heal. I was starting to feel genuinely happy again. It’s been a while since I felt this feeling.
- You’ll start to feel empowered! More fire will burn in your heart. Everywhere I walked, I was filled with this light. Sometimes it’s hard to explain, but I tell you it feels really good when you persevere. My thoughts were positive and my approach was in a place of conviction. You start to love to improve yourself and you become secure with yourself. So keep going!
- When you begin to love improving yourself, then that’s self-love. You start to feel worthy of yourself and you become mentally tough too. I started helping people who are going through issues in their life and I became surprised with myself. I didn’t expect to make them feel better by guiding them. I focused on dealing with myself that it was time for me to help others. It works like magic! I guess, the quote “Know thy self” hits a home run.
- You will take inspired action when you know what you want.
Peace. This is the pinnacle! If you have reached this far, then I commend you. When you reach this point, you become Zen-like. You see life differently before your heartbreak. Now, you realize that the battle is not eternal, but internally. That every situation put in front of you regardless if it’s positive or negative, has learning lessons. There are opportunities to prove yourself. You realize that the cause of your heartbreak was probably the greatest gift that God, the universe has given you. In the beginning, you cried with despair. But now, it’s tears of joy. You’ve crossed the mountain.
- As I kept helping people, I didn’t realize how I felt at peace. When I thought about my heartbreak with RA and SA, I smile every time. Honestly, if those moments, especially with SA didn’t happen, then I wouldn’t be able to gain this much wisdom. I would still be the same old Ralph that didn’t understand himself. Moreover, I wouldn’t be able to help others. I cried knowing that I crossed the mountain without many setbacks. It’s an amazing feeling.
- When you are at peace with yourself and the issues that flood your mind disappear, you just want to help others that are going through the same thing as you did. I have helped many people who are going through stress in their lives. Even the international students that came to Guam, I feel privileged to help them. When you help others, it makes you a better person because you understand others needs.
It’s a gift!!
I have to admit, before going through the heartbreak, I hated myself. I always searched for things that fill my heart. No matter how many things I gained, I wasn’t satisfied with what I had. I thought you need to get the things that would make you happy. I searched happiness externally and when I would get it, it always made me feel sad. It wasn’t enough.
But, after going through the heartbreak, I’ve learned that outside things can only make you happy at a certain level. There is a certain limit to it. And when we reach that limit, we look for things bigger than that. But, if we can’t find it, it’s replaced with sadness and disappointment.
That’s why heartbreaks are gifts because of the journey you can discover for yourself. You become stripped of what you thought was important to you, which leaves you with nothing. When you are left with nothing, the only thing is to blame yourself. Then, you turn to other things and look for them, but nothing. You’re left with loneliness and your thoughts. Until one day, you have no choice but your own thoughts. Then, you realize that there are great things about you. Now, you’ve gained something great — self-love.
Thank you, everyone! Please leave a comment and we would love to help you out.